You're doing all the right things

It is a battle to figure out all the right things you should be doing for your child.  When your child has issues that battle becomes intensified.

The internet is my friend when it comes to fighting this battle. Without it I would be lost. My son's psychologist is also a staunch ally in telling/advising me on what to do. My online groups also have helped me through some dark hours.

Then there are the outside resource groups that people have founded, they went through what I am going through, and are there for the parents that need the help and guidance.

After all this hype, I have hit a wall. The wall of everyone telling me I am doing everything right, but if feels like nothing is being accomplished. I am at the point of where I have to wait on others for things to be done.
I don't like this wait. This wait is affecting my son, my family, and me.  I keep thinking there should be more I can do, but there isn't just this morning I have had 2 different people tell me you are doing the right thing, stay on the course you are on.

It hurts I want to help my son more and I can't.

Why tell me why

As we all know autism is getting a lot of press.  Schools are trying to get on the ball an be more accommodating.  G couldn't handle a big general ed kindergarten, so it was decided to try in in a 6:1:1 class. Well in our district the only opening was in a school that launched a new classroom this year.  It is for autistic children a 6:1:1 classroom.  That means 6 kids to 1 teacher, and 1 aide.

Well in theory the class should be great.  Oh wait the teacher has next to nothing for sensory items.  She brings in her own rice, stringing beads and any other sensory items that she can afford.  When a child has a meltdown there are no safe rooms for them to go to.  Oh and when a child melts down and has anger issues the schools response is to suspend them.  Way to teach an autistic child how to cope.

Yep yeah for the school to have a classroom for autistic kids, but boo for no supports

Yep, I am only human

 I am not little miss innocent in this there are things i could have done different

Now on to story

Took G to mall play area he had 2 green days at school. Which considering how he acted last week  is a feet in itself. 

So generally G is really good but today he went into asd overload. I had to talk about good hands multiple times

Well G ran into a smaller kid he shouted sorry got up and ran off. Being on the spectrum G never tried to make eye contact or even look at the poor kid.  (Side note G is almost 5 but size of a 7 year old) the boy he knocked over was probably almost 4. So little kid went crying to mom. I got G's  attention reminded him to slow down and watch out. 

Few more G;s incidents few more talks then crashed into little boy again this time bumped heads. Again g brushed it off yelled sorry and went back to playing.

After this i should have carried G out of there but he was trying to pull himself under control. 

Well after a few more minutes mom and her son leave but not before mom decides to scold me for not making G say sorry. I told her he did say it she argued with me then went to leave. I stood up and shouted I'm  sorry he's autistic. I shouted it not my proudest moment 

Yes, he really does have autism

Like any other parent of a child that has autism,  you go through spurts where you think.  No, it can't be the behavior can be explained.  All children go through this. He can verbalize he doesn't Always walk around like he is going to take of in flight, only when really stressed.  Sure we had a rough summer behavior wise, but that can all be explained.  Yes, by autism.

Even after 2 years, I still go through spurts of thinking that maybe I didn't discipline enough he is the baby of the family, maybe I am just to dam old to be going through this again. 

Then there was this past week.  The beginning of kindergarten.  It started out with dropping school supplies off a couple of days before hand so he could see where his classroom was.  While walking down the hall he was flapping away like he was going to take flight.  Well he thought his supplies were only his supplies and the thought of other children touching his supplies and breaking them was unacceptable. Those supplies were bought for him.  I tried to reason with him, didn't work well at all.

Then the first day of school drop off went great, things looked good. 90 minutes into the first day I got a call.  He had a melt down, bad bad one, the principal was involved.  Not good, plus the principal made me feel like a horrible incompetent parent.  Really I know his behavior is unacceptable, we told you all it would happen, you didn't believe me.  Why, oh why would I make this stuff up.   Well pick up went ok, G knew he was in deep for once he seemed to comprehend the fact that the world doesn't revolve around him. 

The rest of the day he spent in and out of his room chilling, some times on his own accord, other times he was physically put there. 

Day 2, take him in, we are allowed to walk him down to his room.  He is now at his own table no distractions.  He has his own supplies, (that I had in his back pack to make him feel better about the first set being given up.) under the pretense it is due to his contact reactive peanut allergy.  He now has a behavior plan, a sensory seat, and chart to see his progress. 

Better behavior, except he pushed another student, well no phone calls.

So now some classic symptoms are showing up with transitions and sensory issues.  So yes he is autistic. 

Can you see the logic

So yesterday G teacher calls saying on how they have had a better day.  But he did bite a kid, but it wasn't completely G's.  The teacher stated that in G's defense, the kid was kinda being a bully.   First the kid took a toy away from G.  Then the kid was taunting G that he had the toy and G didn't well G took matters into his own mouth.  Now G has been told before that when a child is bugging him to use his words and tell a teacher.  The teacher tried to reach the situation in time but was to late.

The teacher then talked to G to find out why he did it to see if he could verbalize what was going through his head.  Well there was logic, in a round about way.  G was anxious.  The anxiety came out this way. The class was heading down to a different room where a clown would be.  We have discovered that G doesn't like any, dressed up creatures, be it Elmo, Barney or come to find out clowns.  The teacher did ask G why doesn't he like clowns, G reply they give out peanuts.  Well G is allergic to peanuts so there is logic. 

Now as to where he made the correlation that clowns give out peanuts remains to be seen.  I think it has to do when during the year they did a circus theme, but then again I could be wrong that happens frequently. 

I suck at this, blogging and sometimes parenting

Keeping up on blogging that is. There is always so much to write about but never enough time.

Today's topic, getting out of the normal child mindset. Most children have issues with change.  Even adults have issues with change.  I get that.  Generally kids on the spectrum resist minor changes, going from one activity to another. G seems to have trouble with big changes.  As seen below.

We have been issues with G behavior.  He has been violent, destroying things, hitting kicking, scratching and biting.   Not listening, needing to be physically removed from situations, and verbally abusive (that hurts saying your child of 4 can be verbally abusive.) just plain out bad.  As a parent, the normal course of action is to look at all outside factors to figure out what is going on. I had most of them pinpointed. There has been change in his life.

- Preschool ended, there was a 2 week break for him.  During that time he was in daycare all day for 1 week.
-Then he got shots for kindygarden.
- The next week we had an allergist appointment where he got pricked again.  Plus he was home with me for that week.
-Then his summer school started, a new teacher but same room.
- Then come to find out there was personal change at the daycare, no notice to warn him what so ever and staff was wondering why he was off.
-During this he got sick and missed 4 days of school.
-We also started with a psych , for his behaviors.  (After being on a wait list for 6 months).

Here I was banging my head against the wall wondering why he wasn't improving. I know there are changes but still he should be adjusting. Then with the psych, she reminded me that G can't verbalize what he is feeling. Yes he is verbal, but he can't put his emotions into words he can use.  So he lashes out.  Plus we could also expect this behavior to continue maybe into Oct.  By then he should have adjusted, if we are lucky.

Here I was thinking that with other kids they adjust in a few days.  I was thinking he should be like that.  NO, I have to break out of that mindset.  He needs longer, but I was in the mindset that he could just transition from one situation to another with no issues what so ever.  Well joke is on me.

Hats off parents with multiple children that have issues

Having 3 kids, a house, dog, husband that works long hours and a part-time job can be harrowing for the best of  us.  Worse if you work full time I would assume.

Now throw into the mix, all 3 children with some type of issue.  So now we are adding in doctors appointments, ER visits, regular family functions, advocating for your children, and normal stresses of life.  It gets to be a little much.

I can say I have a new appreciation for parents that have specialist appointments every day or a few every week. It can be nerve racking trying to coordinate  child care for 1 child, then take another one to an appointment, not to mention cooking dinner and cleaning up.

I am at least lucky with 2 of the children being older and able to pull some of the weight off when they decide to act like normal human beings and not the self centered teens that they are.

I am lucky with a husband that on his day off picks up slack and does things that I have yet to find time to accomplish.

I am learning how to take time out for me, and that is hard.  I mentally decided that when my oldest works late (after 8) my husband can do the bed time routine and I will leave to get her very early and go hang out at the book store.  I am also very lucky in having a job to where their view is your children first us second, even though I try not an push it, it is nice knowing.

I need to replenish my sanity level.  I have felt on the verge of burn out the past few weeks, and that is not good for anyone.

YOU TRY TO HARD

Words told to me in the fifth grade.
A girl had just come back from living with her family overseas for a few years.  It was a huge deal in our little school.  Everyone wanted to be this girl's friend including me. But I failed to win her over.  I don't remember how I even tried, to become her friend all I know is that it didn't work.

I do remember asking her why she didn't like me.  (now that I think about it wow was I blunt back then).  Her reply was you try to hard at getting me to like you.  Even thinking about that incident now makes me step back and go wow.

That was a pivotal point where I started not caring if people accepted me for me.  Granted it was a very small step but it was a step.  It was also a step of me starting to bounce from group to group of people trying to find my niche.  A niche that I never did find.

Now that I am an adult, I still find it hard to develop a friendship. I can do friendly chit chat with about anyone but to foster  it for longer than a few hours forget it. There are many acquaintances in my life but very few friends.  I still wonder where did I go wrong when growing up.  What piece of the puzzle in my developmental is missing for making friends.

Sensory seeking

For those with nice neuro typical children or no children.  Quick non medical explanation of sensory seeking.

A child who thrives off of different sensory stimulation.   It could be water, sand play, physical swinging, bear hugs, or tactile play dough, clay or a combination.

For my son one of the things he loves are tights and nylons, even silky dress socks.  I thought I had gotten rid of all the knee highs over a year ago.  I was wrong. He found the only knee high in the house and put it on in a flash.  Then was looking for its mate that didn't exists. Well I took the opportunity to use his knee high passion to get some good behavior out of him and it worked.  Well said knee highs disappeared again and he hasn't said anything about them.

Until last night, I had to get some tights for myself and G found them.  He took off running with them thinking that I had bought them all for him.  I told him to get his grubby paws off my tights he looked at me and laughed saying they were his.  Nope not happening buddy, I wrestled him to the ground I was victorious I had my tights.  They went on a high shelf.  He then started in on his socks where were the offending items in question are no wear to be found. So he pouted for about 30 minutes.  Till something else came along for him to destroy.  

Children being left out

Reading on another site the person was offended that her toddler wasn't invited to a birthday party due to the toddlers food allergies.  This really upset the mom thinking her child was being singled out.  Over the course of the thread people were sympathizing with her.  Saying on how the birthday mom wasn't thinking and so on.  Now mind that the child was invited to a different party by same family this one is a pot luck so the mom of the food allergy child would have to bring a dish to pass.

Then I decided to give my opinion.  I agreed with hosting mom.  When you have a young child and you are at a party it is very stressful making sure your child doesn't accidentally get anything.  It is also stressful because you are seen as a hovering parent.  The parent doesn't have a good time.  You go home exhausted just from the mental part.

So when my son was younger if we were invited to a party and I was the only one I could trust about his food allergies, I left him at home.  My husband has never had an issue with staying home.  Now that we know that our son is also on the spectrum we tend to spend more time avoiding having him in large loud gatherings.

I have been ok with how we deal with things for a few years now.  It works for us, I get to see adults and talk adult.  Our son is safe and away from potential food allergens.  My husband gets to stay home and not talk with other adults.

It is very hard to view things as not being an insult.  It is very hard to step back and say hey maybe this person does have my best interest at heart.  It is hard to say hey I am offended, but my child won't remember so what is the big deal

Don't just give platitudes

A subject on another web site got me thinking.
The subject was what do you wish you knew about autism before you got your dx.
My first response is that with all the information out there I was pretty well armed. What I wish I knew how to deal with was the nay sayers or the people saying oh he will be just fine.

When you think there is something wrong with your child, you have the team of people who try to make you feel better and ease your worries.  When it is something physical you can hear it in their voices that they believe you but they want to offer sympathy.

When the issue is mental then that is a whole different issue.
When the speech is delayed you hear the following, some kids are late talkers, why should he talk when everyone does if for him.  He is just like kid xyz and so on.  Oh just wait till he is older he will catch up.

Some of the most outdated advice is just wait and see.  No child was harmed by receiving early interventions.  Not receiving intervention because of waiting and seeing can be harmful.

Now with autism there are so many early flags that parents see.  Most parents will comment on them to family friends and doctors.  Parents then get blown off by everyone with the child will grow out of it, it is just a stage, you are over concerned. It can't be anything serious because your child isn't sitting in a corner rocking and banging their head against a wall.

Hate to tell you all but sometimes it is a lot of little things.  If a parent is concerned instead of offering platitudes offer advice of what makes you think that.  How long has it been going on.  Have you done any research, have you approached your Dr about it. If you feel you got blown off by the Dr. are you getting a second opinion. 

This makes a parent feel better than being blown off by everyone.  Due to the fact is there is something wrong there is  more anger and guilt.

Guilt of why didn't I listen to my internal voice more.  Anger of why couldn't anyone support me when I was trying to say something was wrong. Then there is the grieving of why you don't have a normal child.

No one wants to hear their child is delayed in anyway, friends and family are generally the first sounding boards that the parents have.  Some people just don't know how to respond, or really have no clue as to if there could be something wrong. Then there are the people that see the same issues as the parent but don't want to be seen as a bad person for confirming the parents fears.  There is a huge mind your own business mentality, but that hurts the child in the end.

My advice is that if you have a friend or family member saying they think something is wrong with their child.  Don't give platitudes, but ask why do you feel this, what have you noticed, how long as this been happening.  Tell them that you will be there not to tell them everything will be fine and the child will grow out of it, but you will be there to hold their hand during the journey

Sometimes you screw up and it works

If you have a child with a food allergy you know how much fun cooking and baking can be.  Granted there are a ton of cookbooks that tell you how to overcome the allergy but sometimes the things just don't taste good.

My son has an egg allergy, so baking is always a treat, again see above there are many sources that tell me what I HAVE to do to replace an egg but I like thinking outside the box.  This is where sour cream come in.

I was doing brownies for my daughter to take to school for her bday, and didn't have enough for the whole class.  Well I had a box of cookie mix, and added 8 oz of sour cream plus the butter it called for, well that was way to soupy so I added a box of brownie mix, and some baking powder. 

I ended up with the best double chocolate cookies you can image.

So go ahead and experiment never know what you will get

Relationships 50/50 (my a@@)

Reading a post on a website.  A parent was very angry, very angry at her situation in life.  Her son is probably on the spectrum and she decided that she just doesn't like her husband.  He doesn't do enough, he isn't there or at least she feels emotionally.  She has taken to verbally berating him and now feels guilty for doing so. She admits that she loves him and she doesn't know why he allows her to treat him that way.

The responses back were maybe she needed to look at her and her expectations. My response was to the following.  My husband works insane hours.  He is up at 430 am and doesn't get home till 7pm or later.  He works a very physically demanding job.  He works 4 days a week totaling out to 50 hours a week.

I on the other hand work p/t in a very family friendly company.  If a child is sick, I call in no repercussions.  If school and daycare is closed and I have to be home, then so be it. If school is closed and I want to stay home, (why I have no clue) to something fun with the kids, it is encouraged.

When G's IEP meeting come up, I can leave early or come in late to attend them.  Specialist appointments granted I attempt to make them around my work schedule, but that is not always possible.

Care of the house, my task. Grocery shopping, again my task, all appointments for the girls my task.  Cooking, laundry, appointment setting, researching schools for the kids my task.

Now this sounds very lopsided reading it but it isn't.  My husband does help out, but  (and this is a huge but).  I have to TELL him what needs to be done, otherwise he has no clue.  It is not because he is an uncaring selfish ogre.  He truly has no clue due to his working what goes on in the house every day.  When he is home by himself on his day off, he cleans and catches up on the laundry, other things I leave him a do list.  It is things that would never  cross his mind. 

I get angry at times, I get depressed, I hate that it is all me at times. (I do make the kids help out).  But he is helping out another way, he is busting his ass working all the time.  He doesn't like doing the research end of it and the dr appointments he gets flustered and has no clue what to say or ask.

The other thing about the thread was another person said you don't do 50/50 but you each give 110% of what that person is capable of giving.  So granted her and my husband may not perform what we THINK they should preform.  But I know for dam sure my husband gives 110 % all the time of what he is capable of doing. 

That is what keeps us going with kids that require some extra help at times.  (and a good drink now and again)

Baby fever get a puppy

So my husband texted me one day stating that on facebook his aunt is looking for a home for 2 puppies.  He says they are cute and shouldn't get to big, they are jack russel terrier and begal mix.

I decided that I could no longer be a hard meanie and say yes. 

So we go get the puppy, and it is a very tiny thing.  Very tiny, he is only 7 weeks old, (I already got flames from a social network for taking a dog that young).  He weight maybe 3 lbs. We had to go to a pet store to buy a kitten harness for him.

The first night I was up 2x in order to take him out.  Then he was lonely and didn't want to sleep alone. So we allow him to sleep with us. And he cuddles up to me. We unsucessfully attempt to get him to sleep on his own.  He likes cuddling up to us.

People ask me how is the house breaking going, I say he has us trained quite well.  We watch for his signs and if ignored he will go where ever he pleases.

When I get home from work everyday, I have to spend 10 minutes holding him and comforting him before he will go out and pee.  It has become routine.

Now how have the kids adjusted, well at first it was great, then on day 3 he pooped  in someones shoe (not mine :}).  Now it is complaining that I took him out last, or she is hogging him.  Then it is getting the 4 y/o not to pick him up, no he cannot sleep with you.  No you do not need to share your food. The list goes on.

I really can't say I am dissappointed that we got him.  There is adjustment, we can no longer just go away on no notice for the weekend. 

It is like having a baby again

IEP time

Yeah its the most depressing time of the year.  The time when the reports of just how bad your child looks on paper.  The good report writers make it look oh so bad so your child can still get lots of help. 
I have found as long as you are in constant contact with your child's teacher you will know that the report isn't as bad as it reads.

But wow it still reads bad.  I know that my son is about 1 year behind his peers really I do know this.  But to read it it hurts.  To see his speech over all is at a 3 year old level.  To see that his fine motor skills are at a 2 year old level that really hurt. 

To see that his speech impedes him from developing friendships or just interacting with peers hurts. Well I guess there are lots of things that hurts when you have a child that gets an IEP